The Dress that will never happen

So some of you know I want a maxi dress for my birthday from a "real" (aka not fat girl) store. This is not going to happen.

um apparently - I look horrible in this type of dress. I mean very bad. Bad. Bad Bad bad Bad!

I went to JC Penney's. We have a super small one locally. I tried on a "regular" extra large. I was nervous but...wanted to try it.

The top looked SO awesome (except my arms - yuck but that is something I'm willing to live with and just cover up). But the top half fit so nice. My waist even looked decent. And more importantly - even though I know those dresses run bigger and are loose - it fit.

Then you got to my ass. Oh heaven help me. It was bad. Not flattering. not sexy. and not even going to Walmart wearable.

I have always known that too much flow in an outfit can be a problem for a person bigger than a size 8, I just forgot and had hope.

But, in one way I'm taking a victory lap. The top fit so perfect. And it wasn't an extendo size. It wasn't from a "specialty" store. It was a regular size. The bottom while it didn't look good (AT ALL) on me actually fit. It just wasn't flattering. So in that way - I'm taking the victory and glory of the moment of being able to put it on and look nice.

So, the new mission is to find a cute skirt and shirt. HA:)

And be proud of myself for not buying it just because i could get it on;)

There are sparklies in my hair

I have to tell you...There are sparkly things in my hair. They are not pretty. They are not clips. They are gray hairs sprouting up more and more.

I have colored my hair since the ripe old age of 15 (my mom wasn't cool like that...but my hair turned so orangey in the sun that summer that it was not good looking. All she let me do was dye it back to brown where it belonged.) So anyways, when I started getting grays I didn't notice right away cause I always have color in.

I had some blond high lights for a while and if that wasn't so much maintenance I would do it again.

I did my hair for work the other day - using more of a "part" than I usually do and oh lord. The silver things staring back at me were frightening. I mean heaven help me. I'm turning 35 in 4 weeks...I don't know if I feel old enough for this crap.

I have to be totally honest, if I had those beautiful silver strands coming through? I might consider letting it come in. I have seen even younger ish women with silver and it looks so pretty. Do I have the beautiful silver? oh no, no I don't. I have very ugly very hard to color and disguise true gray hairs.

I'm not a fan.

How come when a man gets those grays he becomes a silver fox with some salt and pepper going on, but when a woman gets them it's all ugly! Why? Why? Why?

I'm not even kidding. It's not attractive. It makes me feel old. I'm not a fan.

And the bigger problem is that I can't seem to find the time to do it. Seriously!

Getting old sucks...big.

Sorry for being a bitch

I haven't blogged in forever right? I haven't even read any blogs in forever.

This week is so crazy. Last days at school apparently include picnics, half days, crazy hours...and I get to do this at one "real" pre-school and one early education center.

I'm working 4-5 nights a week (5 this week - ugh).

Add on top of that a sick husband and you get me...an even bitchier version of myself.

fun.

So I'll be back to my normal (aka regular bitchy) self next week I hope.

Guilty Bitch

I hate mom guilt. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

Did I mention that I hate mom guilt?

It creeps into my head every.single.night. I can't shut that little voice up.

Like right now. Thing 3 is the only kid home right now. The other 2 are at school. We should be outside playing or something. Instead? I'm sitting at the table with my lap top and he is eating pretzels in his high chair watching Mickey. I hear the voice telling me that's not nice.

At night I think to myself "did I do enough tonight?" "Did they get enough good things to eat?" "Do I let them watch too much tv?"

I think the mom guilt is one of the reasons that I can't stand uppity mothers who appear to have it together. They increase my mom guilt.

I don't read to my kids every day. When I had one? We read together ALL the time. He loved it. Then I had 2 kids. Kid number 2 doesn't like to sit and listen to the story all the time. So we read less frequently. Then I had 3 kids and someone was always trying to rip the pages. Then I got a job that requires me to leave my house at 3:30...I lost my rhythm...I feel guilty.

Thing 3 decided in the past week that he doesn't like grapes or carrots anymore. He has been eating them since he was eating solids. He loved them so much. I was good with it because it's an easy fruit and veg and no arguments over food. Now I have to think it out and find him other things (he doesn't have molars yet so there are a lot of no's about what he can eat.). Now I have guilt and try to count up his servings of fruit and vegetables every day.

I have guilt about my short temper. I don't think it's THAT short every day...but lord help me. If I tell you to put on your shoes because we're going to school (which you love) and I tell you again to put them on...by the third time of you "forgetting" to put on your shoes...I'm a little pissed. guilt at the end of the day for that one.

It doesn't end with the mommy issues.

Sunday was a bad night (in terms of money) at work. So what did I do? Had 2 drinks after work at work. umm...that's not helping the wallet. So I have money guilt now. On top of the mom guilt.

I get wife guilt as if my guilt plate wasn't full enough. Did I put out enough this week? Did I make him feel important? Was I just snappy for no reason? He's trying to help and I'm bitching *surprise*.

So now we're up to mom guilt, money guilt, and wife guilt.

I try not to regret any decisions I've made in my life. My life isn't perfect, but at the same time all the bad choices that I've made have led me to where I am...which is where I want to be. So while not regretting and not looking back...I do still have guilt.

I threw a party when I was 17. It was the party of 93 - or so I've been told....until the cops came and busted my awesome cool party. My parents were PISSED...to say the least. You really can't mention it to my dad to this day (and hey - I'm 34 3/4 years old...). I have guilt over it still!

Help. Mom guilt, money guilt, wife guilt, daughter guilt.

Some days I drown in the guilt.

Green Enough

I don't know about you, but I constantly worry if I'm green enough.

I buy fruit from farm stands/markets in the summer. But, I have never asked if they are truly grown around here (one stand I don't want to know the answer because they already have peaches and cherries - none of which are ready here in NJ). I tell myself I'm being better because I do this.

I have discovered the "joys" of baking soda and vinegar as cleaning agents. Not sure if this makes me green, but it is cheap. and I think green.

I turn my air up upstairs (we have 2 zones) during the day and the downstairs up at night. Once again - I think I'm being green...but I'm really being cheap. Air conditioning kills us each and every summer. So I'm hoping this will help.

I have absolutely no trees in my yard. So I know I'm not giving back the oxygen...but I plant a bunch of flowers every year does that help?

I am an energy/heat nazi in general. Green? yes. Cheap? you bet.

I want to plant a veggie/fruit garden next summer. This summer I still have a 19 month old that would destroy all plants he touched. Hoping that next summer he'll be good and I can plant.

I buy organic when possible/affordable. I think this makes me greener right?

I drive a mini-van. There is no getting around the fact that this is not green. I actually want a full size conversion van and if I can ever afford it - I'm getting it. My husband says that will be great on gas and my answer? Nope but it will be comfortable. BAD.

What I hate about the "green" movement is that you can never do enough. You think you're doing things ok and then you realize that your goal in life is a gas guzzling vehicle. You think you're doing something right, only to find out that it's really not.

Are we ever going to be green enough? Will our actions please anyone?

Being half green (like me I think) leads to more judgment and confusion. If you are fully green and on board more things than I could ever think of you at least have the approval of the other greenies. If you do nothing and just say to hell with all that - at least you have some companionship. Me? I'm so in the middle that both sides scorn me. One side says I don't do nearly enough and one will make fun of me for trying.

Meh. Feeling very philosophical for a Monday morning.

Weekly Round up

It has been a wild and crazy week. So here it is.

1. I started back to work 4 nights a week...which is a lie since I got one of my shifts covered for hubs birthday. But still crazy.

2. My friend came and visited from Ohio and now is driving home. I already miss her. We had SUCH a good time and I wish we could make it a more regular thing. She's awesome.

3. My kids are totally weirdo's. Today's example? The baby has decided he doesn't like grapes. Are you kidding me? Grapes? You've been eating grapes for over a year and now they aren't good enough for you? weirdo.

4. Last night oldest son had t-ball. I brought middle son with me and youngest son was at home with hubs. Middle son was tired. I should never have brought him. He said "I play t-ball". Nope you aren't old enough. "NO I PLAY T-BALL". it went down hill from there. He threw his hat, he cried. I actually brought him to the car and made him sit in it (first time ever. It's been a threat but I've never done it.) eesh

5. I apparently talk funny. I say things like "Do you want to go go ni-night?" I use the work go twice. In a lot of sentences. It's a habit. I also say "for forever". Apparently that is weird. I didn't know that but my hubs and others have pointed it out to me. Thanks for that.

6. It's a beautiful day today, but I'm SO EXHAUSTED (I don't claim this much so I really am tired) that I plan on doing nothing.

7. I missed real housewives of NYC last night *gasp*. I'm hoping that it's already on demand so I can catch up. It's part of my do nothing plan.

8. I do not own a DVR or anything like it. I don't know how to work my VCR so nothing can get recorded. Real Housewives of New Jersey is not on demand...makes me mad.

9. The Elks Convention is in town this week-end. Sounds harmless right? umm...The only thing that might get more drunk than an Elks convention is a Lion's convention. It's ridiculous how these people get. I'm not even joking. Then tomorrow they will have a 6 hour Elk parade. It's hysterical and sad all at the same time (most of them are hungover so it's even more funny).

10. I think tomorrow I have to take oldest son to a birthday party. No big deal right? Except it's a Pirate Cruise. If this thing goes out into the ocean instead of just the bay? I'm going to get sick. Not looking forward to this at all.

Have a good week-end everyone;)

Waiting to exhale

So today is actually a fabulous day. I just had lunch for the first time ever with a friend from Ohio. Best line ever? My oldest son says "mom but you don't like people from Ohio"...I had to tell him that was only football players from Ohio State.

But, as per my usual - I have a bitch.

How long do you wait for an apology from someone. This person may or may not know that I am waiting. I do not want to be all "You owe me an apology". I almost never say that. Even if it's to my husband...I'll just sit there and wait for him to have the gears grind and for him to understand that I need an apology now.

Said person threw a 5 year old tantrum at me. Saying that my advice (which there was an advice question asked) was not wanted because she didn't specifically ask for that kind of advice. Seriously? I have been through the situation many times, I was telling you how I handled it and to help you prepare...I wasn't saying "You better do it my way bitch". I'm almost never like that (I do have my moments).

So...after telling me that the advice was ridiculous and meddlesome what happens? Exactly what I said would. I want to scream "I TOLD YOU SO" but so far I've been above it (by above I mean bitching constantly that I was right to everyone else.)

Thing that kills me is that I really thought this person and I were getting close enough that I could throw my $.02's in the hat. I really did. People who I'm not close with? I would have never bothered.

Why are relationships so complicated?

If you know me at all by now, you know that I am opinionated. This stretches from politics (I'm pretty much socialist), working (I don't care if you work or not but there is no poor talk if you won't get a job), Gay Rights (why do you care if gay people get married? That's friggen ridiculous), Union Rights (this scares the bejeezus out of me), Traveling (I have successfully traveled with 3 kids to at least 10 different states...I have something to say about that for sure), child care (honestly I'll tell you what's worked for my kids - 3 different methods usually - but if it works for you? good for you. I will give an opinion but I do try hard not to judge...sometimes), and relationships. So...if you don't want an opinion that veer's into left field, then back into right - don't ask me ever. EVER.

In all seriousness...Do you wait for the apology? I did say that I was pretty offended by the comments I got. I was upfront about it - and tried very hard (although how successfully I don't know) to NOT be bitchy about it. Do you wait? Or do you just forget about it but hang back on the friendship?

I don't know how to do this without being a child. I'm trying so hard, but my feelings were stepped on (I'm bitchy but jeez I do have feelings).

enough whining for the day.