Enough Already

omg. I know I bitch a lot. But I created this little blog as an outlet of my bitching (and hoping to find the humor behind my bitching). I do not call people and demand that they actually listen to my bitching, I put it up here for the world to see...and if they don't like? They don't have to come back.

My friend Hannah is pregnant with her third child. YEA! I love babies. I'm secretly jealous of every pregnant person I know. I have delusions that a fourth would make life fun (no worries, the tubes are tied so it's not like I have an actual say in this...I think that is part of the "charm" of saying I wouldn't mind 4...I can't make it happen).

Anyhoo - Hannah is a nice enough person. Will listen (well to a point), will DEFINITELY sympathize with me, and comes up with some good one liners.

But Hannah will not shut.up. Her life is so miserable...so she says. Everything goes wrong...unless she is in charge then it might be the best ever.

She's one of those. One of those people who's kids get THE WORST COLD EVER. She gets the worst morning sickness known to man kind. She's competitive with the negative...and I hate that.

She's mildly competitive with the positive (first steps, first words) but not as much as she is with the negative.

She's not the only one I know like this, but I'm using her as my target practice today. Thankfully Hannah doesn't know that I have a blog...

Here's the story: I do not feel sorry for anyone. I do but I don't. does that make sense? I mean yes, if your parent dies, ok I feel sorry for you. Yes, I can find some sympathy for the raging bitch inside of you - I have her too. Yes, I know it sucks when the kids get sick - I can feel a little bad for you...but it stops there.

I do not need daily updates, or hourly, on how much your life sucks. Unless you got married when you were in some sort of coma, or they blindfolded you and put ear plugs in your ears and pushed you to the alter - you knew who you were marrying. (Yes, husbands can be a lot of work - but I would venture to say that most of them don't change drastically - I can talk about divorce on another day).

Unless you had some sort of immaculate conception or you woke up to your husband finishing his business which got you pregnant - you knew what you were doing.

I'll be honest...My timing between kid 2 & 3 wasn't my "choice". I would have liked them spaced out a little...but...I am fully aware of how I got pregnant and why. I can't complain about it - in fact I fixed it so it wouldn't happen to me again.

My kids are absolutely butt nuts today (today thing 2 is crying at nap time because he wants to sleep in thing 1's bed. I said go ahead. He then cried cause he wanted to sleep in his bed. I said go ahead. I have stopped going in there now). I have to say that somedays I want to hide from them. But I don't think I've ever done it. And I think I have the decency in my life to realize that I'm not the only one who feels like this, and no my kids are not the worst in the world (there are kids that like to set things on fire...thankfully those kids are not mine...yet).

And since we're talking about this, why would you want to out do someone with the negative things in your life? Why would you choose this to compete with? is it because it's all you feel you have to win with? That's ridiculous. Maybe even commitable.

I like to say we all have our own cross to bear. It's so ridiculous to think that your life is so much worse than everyone else's. I mean come on. The person I'm talking about has a home, has 2 really cute kids, has a husband who helps sometimes at least, has family nearby in case of emergencies...sorry. The boat has sailed for me. I have lost the ability to feel bad for a person that in some respects has it all.

The last stop for the complain train is here...

Oh you must have so much time

*Disclaimer...this bitchy post has a lot of self pity and whining in it. Read at your own risk*

I am tired. I am tired of myself, I am tired of others, I am almost tired of my kids.

I guess that I qualify as a Stay at home mom in the winter. I only work one night a week. During the summer I work 4. So I don't know - call me what you want - I work at night so maybe I am a stay at home mom?

I am very tired of the notion that I have all this free time. I do *maybe* have a different type of free time than I used to when I worked 5 DAYS a week. I guess people expect when you are at home with your kids that you should have a certain amount of time to get things done.

Here's the thing. I don't have an abnormal amount of time to get things done. I have 3 kids (which by no means is setting a record) that keep me pretty occupied. Naptime (which is now) is a savior for me. I get a lot of things done in those few hours - I really do. But, it is never enough time to get the never ending list of things to do done.

I have to say - when you are home with your kids you are IN YOUR HOME. It's more messy...your kids are there following you with their mess. I make more of a mess. So the ideal of having a clean house cause I'm here - well that is not going to happen.

I'm tired of the notion that I don't do anything. Yes - I know first hand that a lot of working mom's (who work during the day) have the same amount of laundry to do that I do. They have as many dinners to make as I do. I know that. I did it. I remember.

But now that I'm "home" there are different expectations on me. I'm supposed to have the perfect home life.

Here's the truth. I DO NOT!:) My house is a mess half of the time. I'm constantly catching up on laundry. I feel out of touch with the real world. I feel frustrated that there isn't any "product" at the end of my day. The most I can do is make a nice dinner, maybe I bake some bread to impress - well myself.

It's frustrating. I would never take anything away from a working mom. I just wish that they would stop poopooing me. I've done what they do. I know how hard it is. But I also know this little bit of truth...I felt that work was a "break" for me. It really was. It's a dirty little secret but it's the truth. On Sundays now when I'm getting ready for work I literally RUN out of the door. It's nice to be around adults:)

so here it is. As a stay at home person I put so much more pressure on myself that I'm sick of myself. I never feel like I've done enough or gave it enough effort. I wish I could figure out how to change it. I felt this way when I was working, but then I had the excuse of a full time job. I could almost justify it to myself.

meh. self pity is always bad;)