Oh you must have so much time

*Disclaimer...this bitchy post has a lot of self pity and whining in it. Read at your own risk*

I am tired. I am tired of myself, I am tired of others, I am almost tired of my kids.

I guess that I qualify as a Stay at home mom in the winter. I only work one night a week. During the summer I work 4. So I don't know - call me what you want - I work at night so maybe I am a stay at home mom?

I am very tired of the notion that I have all this free time. I do *maybe* have a different type of free time than I used to when I worked 5 DAYS a week. I guess people expect when you are at home with your kids that you should have a certain amount of time to get things done.

Here's the thing. I don't have an abnormal amount of time to get things done. I have 3 kids (which by no means is setting a record) that keep me pretty occupied. Naptime (which is now) is a savior for me. I get a lot of things done in those few hours - I really do. But, it is never enough time to get the never ending list of things to do done.

I have to say - when you are home with your kids you are IN YOUR HOME. It's more messy...your kids are there following you with their mess. I make more of a mess. So the ideal of having a clean house cause I'm here - well that is not going to happen.

I'm tired of the notion that I don't do anything. Yes - I know first hand that a lot of working mom's (who work during the day) have the same amount of laundry to do that I do. They have as many dinners to make as I do. I know that. I did it. I remember.

But now that I'm "home" there are different expectations on me. I'm supposed to have the perfect home life.

Here's the truth. I DO NOT!:) My house is a mess half of the time. I'm constantly catching up on laundry. I feel out of touch with the real world. I feel frustrated that there isn't any "product" at the end of my day. The most I can do is make a nice dinner, maybe I bake some bread to impress - well myself.

It's frustrating. I would never take anything away from a working mom. I just wish that they would stop poopooing me. I've done what they do. I know how hard it is. But I also know this little bit of truth...I felt that work was a "break" for me. It really was. It's a dirty little secret but it's the truth. On Sundays now when I'm getting ready for work I literally RUN out of the door. It's nice to be around adults:)

so here it is. As a stay at home person I put so much more pressure on myself that I'm sick of myself. I never feel like I've done enough or gave it enough effort. I wish I could figure out how to change it. I felt this way when I was working, but then I had the excuse of a full time job. I could almost justify it to myself.

meh. self pity is always bad;)